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September 06, 2007

Mile-Low Club

Reporting on the luxury submarine business, Bloomberg News noted that owners often try having sex in front of an observation window to heighten the mood, but are interrupted by dolphins. “Dolphins are easily excited when they sense people making love,” said Bruce Jones, president and founder of U.S. Submarines. “They get jealous and bang their noses against the window.”

Got You Under My Skin

An Israeli plastic surgeon has created an internal brassiere he claims makes the wearable kind obsolete. Dr. Eyal Gur’s Cup & Up bra is inserted under the skin in a 40-minute operation performed under local anesthetic. Cups made of silicone, the plastic already used in breast implants, are anchored, harness-like, to the ribs between the breast and the shoulder with thread-like straps and titanium screws. Once in place, everything is tightened to lift the breasts into a more “youthful” position, said Gur, head of microsurgery at Tel Aviv’s Sourasky medical center.

Skeptics warn that the silicone cups could harden under the skin and that women with larger breasts may feel the device pulling against their ribs. “You can’t stop gravity,” declared Lisa Sacks, a member of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.

Reprise of the Final “Seinfeld”

Renald Charles, 38, drowned trying to rescue his two sons in swirling waters off Ocean City, Maryland, while tourists on a nearby boat videotaped the incident instead of helping, according to Michael Andrew, captain of the 31-foot boat taking the tourists to shore. “I mean, c’mon,” Andrew told Salisbury’s Daily Times after he and a crewmember jumped in to save the boys, “who are these people?”

Fiscal Follies

The U.S. Defense Department acknowledged that a flawed automated purchasing system designed to rush supplies to troops in Iraq and Afghanistan resulted in the government paying a small-parts supplier $998,798.38 to ship two 19-cent lock washers. A subsequent investigation uncovered that twin sisters running the South Carolina company that supplied the washers had taken advantage of the system to bilk the Pentagon out of $20.5 million in fraudulent shipping costs, then used the funds to buy beach houses, luxury cars, boats, jewelry, and vacations.

Dear John

A just-opened public restroom in Chongqing, China, features 1,000 toilets spread out over 32,290 square feet. State-run China Central Television reported the four-story bathroom has an Egyptian façade with uniquely shaped urinals, including ones inside open crocodile mouths and several topped by the bust of a woman resembling the Virgin Mary. “We are spreading toilet culture,” tourist official Lu Xiaoqing said. “People can listen to gentle music and watch TV. After they use the bathroom, they will be very, very happy.” CCTV added there are plans to build a supermarket near the facility that will sell toilet-related items.

Just Say Neigh

Mexico is suffering a shortage of burros because farmers have shunned the beasts of burden as a negative image of poverty and backwardness, and because young Mexicans who relocated to the United States send home enough money for their parents to buy pickup trucks and tractors. “There used to be 50 in every town,” ranch manager Nicolas Vazquez Ortega told the Washington Post. “Now there is one, if that.” Having realized that the animals are underappreciated and able to perform work no truck or tractor can, alarmed officials in Jalisco, one of Mexico’s most important agricultural states, announced plans to import donkeys from Kentucky to breed with horses to revive the dwindling population.

Problems of Democracy, Nos. 217 and 218

Dutch pedophiles launched their own political party to campaign for a reduction of the legal age for sexual relations from 16 to 12 and the legalization of child pornography and sex with animals. The Charity, Freedom and Diversity Party said that its eventual goal is to eliminate the legal age limit for sexual relations altogether.

Get the Message?

Mary Wohlford, 80, of Decorah, Iowa, had the words “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” tattooed on her chest to make her medical wishes clear, but at least one doctor thinks that isn’t enough to stop medical personnel. Dr. Mark Purtle of the Iowa Methodist Medical Center in Des Moines told the Des Moines Register that state law defines when caregivers are permitted to end life-sustaining measures, and a tattoo isn’t enough. Wohlford noted that she also has a living will hanging on the side of her refrigerator.

Compiled from the nation's press by Roland Sweet. Submit clippings, citing source and date, to Box 8130, Alexandria VA 22306 or RolandSweet(at symbol)readbw.com.
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